Risa's Blog

So it’s been roughly a month since my 20th birthday, and while I didn’t do anything to celebrate at the time, it marked the 1 year anniversary of the day I decided to get my life together.

If you knew me in high school, you’ve heard me talk about how I ended up the way I was, hundreds of times, so I won’t repeat it. In short, I hardly went out, I never saw anyone, I was facing lasting health effects from the experience, and ultimately was a shut-in. From graduation in May or 2024 to June in 2025, I only ever left the house to go to school two days a week. I spent most of the year just unsure of what to do next.

There were a number of things within a short time that motivated me to get everything together.

Firstly, a dissatisfaction with my capabilities and perception by others. Especially in regards to an old friend of mine, I realized that there were people out there who still thought of me as someone worse, and if I ever wanted to change that, I had to move past recovery, and start building a life, identity, and future for myself, so that I could feel proud and show everyone that I had truly grown

Second, a desire to make new bonds with this new identity I was aiming for, to give myself roots to grow from. Over the course of the next year, I conquered my fears by putting myself into social settings, understanding which people I did (and didn’t) want in my life, and being able to take initiative with maintaining my relationships. I remember being very afraid of driving to start, and now I’m able to drive for hours without worrying at all.

Thirdly, and most childishly of all, a desire for peace and love. My life is one of great emotional anguish, horrific experiences, and systematic ostracization. I needed people I could trust, to both help me learn about myself, how to love, and how to be content with the life I live.

There is more I can say on each of these points, especially with the common theme being interpersonal relationships and identity as a whole, but it’s a lot harder to remember why you started once you’ve started the journey, right?

Today, I feel calmer, more in tune with my emotions, and more able to love and be loved. I’ve regained my confidence and my fears have died down, with all that’s left being to keep living. Very little of my past matters now, and everything I do from now on, is because I want to do it.

Autonomy isn’t something I’m too used to, but I’ll give it my best shot.

Love you all,
Risa Rene